Today is one of those days where everything seems too big and too hard to handle.
I am STILL waiting to hear about my funding. It's enough to drive me batty alone without all the other crap life throws at us. I would be kidding myself if I didn't admit that if this all doesn't work out, I am going to be beyond crushed. The prospect literally terrifies me because I cannot imagine being stuck where I am anymore. I am soooo over my current situation.
Because I am beyond dissatisfied with my current digs, I find myself having less then zero motivation to do anything I should or could be doing. I hate when I get like this. I am currently working for my parents and unfortunatly this unhappiness and lack of motivation REALLY affects my work, or major lack there of. I hate to admit it but when it comes to my current "job", I am a total slug. This is, in large part, due to the fact that I can be, as awful as that sounds. I KNOW it drives my parents up a wall and pisses them off to no end but finding motivation to do a job I HATE, simply to kill time waiting for my "real" life to start, is damn near impossible for me.
So this always creates tension with the family, an added stress in my life I could so easily fix by just doing my job. This I know and I do have moments of clarity, albeit short lived, where I kick out a good bit of work but then I burn out. My head and my heart are not in this place anymore. I'd go so far as to say that my current living/working situation is actually unhealthy for me, on multiple fronts. (Did I mention the family business is a bakery - not exactly condusive to someone trying to follow WLS rules!)
I took this job because I HAD to. I got canned at my old job (something that still gives me nightmares - like last night) and to help my parents offered a hand. I am forever grateful for that. I really truly am but it doesn't change the fact that I hate having to be in this situation at all in the first place. I resent my old company for what they did to me. It was unethical and unproffesional and I am suffering greatly for it.
I am not trying to be all woe-is-me about it all. I wouldn't have gone out and pursued the grad school thing if I felt that way. I WANT out. I WANT a better life. I WANT a better future. I WANT to pursue my dreams. But DAMN-IT, I am sick of waiting!