Thursday, June 7, 2012

What a difference a year makes...

Wow....

All I can say is wow...

Life and the universe certainly have a way of throwing some major curveballs.  But, man oh man, am I forever grateful for them.  This time last year things were beginning to change for me, mostly in my relationship with the previously mentioned British Beau but also simply because grad school was ending and decisions had to be made.  At the time, the changes and decisions seemed bad and scary and far from what I wanted but now, a year later, every ounce of my being knows that it was all very much for the best.

So, what happened?  Where did I end up?  Physically, I ended up right back where I started, where I always seem to go when things fall to pieces and I have to regroup and put them back together again.  I can't say being 30 and moving back into my parents' house was high on my to-do list but you do what you have to do when it all falls apart and I am just so blessed that I have that place, that safe-haven where I can go to lick my wounds and heal myself.

Emotionally, well that journey is far less direct...  I went through a lot last summer and fall.  A lot of physical, mental, and emotional trials all in a very short time frame.  For a time, I didn't know if, when, and how I'd come through to the other side but as is always the case with me, I did and am stronger and better off for it.  Losing my sweet puppy love, then realizing the person I thought was "the one" was, in fact, not, followed by a stay in a foreign hospital for to have part of my insides removed, all whilst trying to write my 13,5000 word dissertation was a feat for me, would be for anyone I think.  But you know what?  A year later, I wouldn't change a thing (well maybe the losing my puppy love...my heart still misses her a whole heck of a lot).

Had I not been through all that, I would not be reminded of the strength I have and the ability to rise above and in the end find peace and happiness.  My life now is far simpler than it was when I was chasing dreams an ocean away.  I have a job that has abso-freakin-lutely nothing to do with my degrees and you know what?  I could not care less because I actually like the work I am doing and the people I work with which is something I haven't had in a very long time.  The pay's not great either but I have learned money is most definitely not everything.

I am also now in a new and different relationship with a very different fellow from the last.  It's messy and some might say not right but somehow, it works.  I did the whole "looks good on paper" thing in the past and look where that got me?  So I am done picking my path based on what looks good or what seems logical and just go with my gut and heart because, honestly, they have yet to really fail me.  At the end of the day even if something doesn't work out, at least I can say I followed my heart.

So, I mentioned how life is far simpler now.  I will forever and always have the travel bug, this is for certain, but I finally feel content in my for the most part uncomplicated life (at least for now, I am not so disillusioned as to think that it may not change, as it so often does).  I have a job I love, a man I love, my friends and family close (which I desperately missed when I was gone) and that's about all I really need.  I don't have a car, tv, or internet most of the time and it's a be-a-u-tiful thing.  I am reading and walking and enjoying things I haven't in a very long time.

In a few weeks I will be getting on a plane to fly back across the pond so I can receive my degree.  I am torn about the whole thing.  I am nervous what feelings the trip will bring up but I am also so excited and proud that even after all the shit that was thrown at me, I still managed to accomplish my goal and get my degree.  I've earned the chance to celebrate and will enjoy getting to spend some quality time with my parents as they help me do just that.  I think it will also bring me some closure.  My life has already moved on but I like when I can put a final stamp on something in my past, walking across that stage will definitely be good for that.  I also think it will remind me of just how blessed I have been feeling lately and how good my life is, right here, right now, in my little ol' home town.  I don't regret chasing my dreams halfway across the globe but it's nice to know sometimes, your dreams can be right where you've always been...

And the journey continues......even when the compass points you home....

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